Grumpy Cat vs Uchiha Sasuke
by LilithiaRW
Summary: Need I say more? MERRY CHRISTMAS ONESHOT #2- Sasuke really hates Sakura's new cat. "You are so dead!" He hissed in a whisper at Grumpy. The cat glared at him. SO IS YOUR FAMILY.


**Let's take a moment to celebrate this oneshot, for this is my first fanfiction for SasuSaku, otherwise known as my OTP. Why has it taken so long for me to write my OTP? Because while I love the couple, I think Sasuke is a dick. Halfway through any attempt at a SasuSaku story I remember all of his stupidity and I _rage quit_.**

**But now I have announced my OTP to the world! SASUSAKU FOR THE WIN!**

**How this was born: So my best friend got back from Harvard and gave me my (very late) birthday present. It was a stuffed Grumpy Cat. And it was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes upon! ****I don't think you guys understand how much fun it was to write this.**

**Claire, this is dedicated to you.**

**I DON'T OWN NARUTO OR GRUMPY CAT.**

* * *

That _Devil's Spawn _which crawled its hideous self out of the deepest depths of hell was staring at him with those damnable soulless eyes. Gray and bleak like winter.

Sasuke glared back.

"Sasuke! Stop looking at my wittle kitty that way!" Sakura scolded him as she swept into the living room, putting on her earrings. She paused to look at him seriously. "Do I look okay? Y'know, dressy enough for a date but casual enough to say that I'm not desperate –"

"You look fine." Sasuke interrupted, rolling his eyes at her fussing. He stood from the couch at her approach, thanking Kami that she was finally ready to go out. After patting her cat on the head, Sakura smoothed her dress with her hands and snatched her purse up from the coffee table, taking Sasuke's proffered hand and letting him lead her to the door.

"Behave while I'm gone, Grumpy!" Sakura cooed from the doorway.

"It can't understand you, it's a cat." Sasuke deadpanned as the door closed.

**:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:**

The thing was back. The hulky, overgrown ape who dared to try and challenge its dominance. The idiot who dared touch Grumpy's Human!

_Burn in hellfire!_

Now Grumpy thought all humans were ugly (after all what kind of species preferred to be furless?), but this particular ape was a poison upon this earth. While Grumpy would grudgingly admit that the evil bastard had some nice raven-colored fur on his head, the rest of his body was hairless, which didn't help the fact that he was the ugliest thing Grumpy had ever seen. All humans were ugly after all (except Grumpy's Human, she was pretty because what little fur she did have was bright and colorful like bird feathers and her eyes were like pretty shiny things).

_I will bury you…_

Currently that ape was sitting in Grumpy's Human's bedroom, on top of the bed as it watched Grumpy's Human getting dressed, leaning against the pillows stacked against the headboard- _Grumpy's_ bed, _Grumpy's _pillow, _Grumpy's goddamn human! _The Ape looked up and its dark, malicious eyes locked with Grumpy's.

**Stare.**

**Stare.**

**Staaaaaaaaaare.**

_I will castrate you in your sleep with a lemon-salted butter knife and laugh maniacally…_

The Ape jerked at the amount of killer-intent Grumpy pervaded.

_That's right, lowly being, fear me._

The Ape glared again, glancing to make sure Grumpy's Human wasn't watching before tossing a shuriken from its hip.

"_YOOOOOWL!"_

Grumpy's Human came rushing in, gasping at the sight of a shuriken sticking out of the pillow Grumpy had been lying on. She yelled at the Ape while cradling Grumpy in her arms, cooing sweet nothings and insults about the Ape. She propped the cat against her shoulder as she walked out the door.

Grumpy smirked at the Ape.

**:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:**

He had been imagining things, surely. Sasuke wiped the memory of the smirking (surely not!) cat and concentrated on the wine, and the music, and the girl. Sakura laughed lightly, such sweet laughter, at something he said. She had always loved dry humor. They sipped red wine after she had cooked a delicious meal for the two of them, and now they were curled up on her couch finishing the last drops of the pinot nior.

"You're a good guy, Sasuke-kun." Sakura murmured, placing her wine glass on the coffee table and leaning over to wrap her arms around his neck, nuzzling his neck. "Whether you want to admit it or not."

"Don't exaggerate." Sasuke protested softly. "Good guys don't steal kisses."

"Wha –"

Their wine glasses forgotten on the glass table top across from them, Sasuke swooped down to capture her lips, attacking her without reserve. He nipped her lips and traced the roof of her mouth in a way that he knew made her toes curl. Unprepared for his sudden assault, Sakura let out a long and deep moan, making Sasuke's blood alight with fire. Her hands grasped his shirt to steady herself and he pushed her back and climbed on top of her on the couch, enticing her tongue to dance with his and sucking it into his mouth, making her moan again, this time in a keening, wanton manner –

"_MMMROOOOOOOWWWW!"_

Sasuke dodged the fur ball from hell just in time as it launched itself from the kitchen counter. He reappeared across the room, scowling at a laughing Sakura and adjusting his pants. The Devil's Spawn had its claws digging into the tender couch pillow that it crouched upon, ready to attack, glaring with ice cold orbs of evil.

Sakura was still lying prone on the couch, snickering at the look on her boyfriend's face. Grumpy slid down from the head of the sofa after retracting its claws, and landing on Sakura's belly, making her giggle. The cat neatly tucked its paws beneath its body and sat primly atop his girlfriend, glaring at him with a hatred that Itachi would have been proud of.

That goddamn cat was _smirking_ again!

"I hate that thing!" Sasuke growled. The Devil's Spawn hissed back.

Sakura giggled. "Oh Sasuke-kun, Grumpy probably just thought you were attacking me and wanted to protect me."

"Or it saw that I was vulnerable and tried to assassinate me!" Sasuke protested.

She scoffed. "You're overreacting, Sasuke. Grumpy is a sweetheart, deep down inside."

"Deep, deep, deep… About as far down as Madara's tendencies to give candy to orphans and kiss unicorns." Sasuke deadpanned.

His girlfriend shook her head in amusement at him, picking up her cat in her arms. "I'll just put the cat in my room, okay? Then we can return to our activities." She winked.

As long as that Devil's Spawn was gone, he was happy. Sakura returned to the room, unbuttoning the front of her shirt as she approached him, swaying her hips and smirking. Sasuke's eyes roamed her body, undressing her in his mind, his gaze lingering on her luscious legs, the curve of her hips, and the swell of her breasts.

"Beautiful…" He murmured as he flickered behind her, surprising her.

Sakura gasped as she suddenly felt her boyfriend's hard, muscular body pressed against her back, his breath on her neck, and his hands suddenly _everywhere_. She moaned as he brushed her breasts, cupping them briefly before sliding down her sides to her hips, massaging her tender flesh, flattening one palm on her flat belly while the other squeezed her butt, eliciting a giggle from her.

Meanwhile Sasuke's mouth latched onto her neck, licking biting and sucking harshly before soothing the red marks with a slow, languorous lick. Their heavy breathes mixed together as she leaned her head back and he leaned his forwards and their mouths met again, slow and passionate, forceful but tender. His hands slipped up her shirt and down her pants, aware of how Sakura's body was leaning more and more of her weight into him –

"_MMMRRREEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!"_

Sasuke didn't stop, attempting to ignore the Devil's Spawn. But he felt Sakura begin to withdraw from her lustful stupor.

"Sas-"

He silenced her with another kiss, sucking her tongue into his mouth.

"_YOOOOWL!"_

His frustration was indescribable as Sakura pulled away, mumbling about forgetting to feed him or something. But Sasuke _knew_. That thing was _pure evil_. And he was proven right when, as Sakura opened her bedroom door to give the Devil's Spawn his food, the cat once again smirked at him when she wasn't looking.

This was war.

**:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:**

War.

Grumpy accepted the Ape's pathetic challenge. The ugly, vile creature dare lay his scent on Grumpy's human! He would die a slow, painful death and Grumpy would enjoy it.

_I will wrap a rope around your neck and slowly let you drop from the tallest building I can find…_

As Grumpy's Human shut the door Grumpy slowly began to eat its food. The Ape might have won this round, but there would be more to come…

The next day the Ape was back. Grumpy's Human and the Ape were covered in cuts and bruises and dirt and sweat, placing used sharp objects that Grumpy knew were the 'no touchy' things on the counter. Grumpy could forgive its human for the smells, since Grumpy's Human was the only good one. The Ape, though, had to go. There was no question about it.

The Ape was stinky and sweaty, and smelled of fire and ash, itching Grumpy's tender nose. So as the Ape and Grumpy's human sat across from each other at her dining table eating lunch, Grumpy sat upright to their side on another chair (there were four) and stared into the Ape's dark and twisted soul, not quite glaring, just looking at him until the Ape could no longer ignore him and glanced in his direction.

They made eye contact.

_I will burn every tomato crop in the world._

The Ape jerked, now giving the cat his full attention.

_I will devour your first born in front of your face as you plead for mercy._

In response to Grumpy's killer intent, the Ape responded with his own. Their evil, dark, twisted auras clashed like an invisible raging storm, electricity crackling as their eyes connected, sparks lashing out.

"You are so dead!" The Ape hissed in a whisper at Grumpy.

_So is your family._

And Grumpy's Human was oblivious to it all.

"Aw, Sasuke-kun, I think Grumpy likes you!"

…sometimes Grumpy just chose not to acknowledge the stupidity of the human race.

**:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:**

"Bahahahaha!" Naruto spat out his ramen (which never happens!) as he bent over with his hands on his stomach, body shaking uncontrollably with laughter. "Seriously? The cat?"

"It's not funny, Dobe!" Sasuke retorted.

"Um, _yeah,_ it is!" Naruto snickered. "Your rival for Sakura's heart is a cat!"

"It's the _Spawn of the Devil_, Naruto! Pure evil!"

"Says the guy who ran off to the snake pedophile for three years! Wouldn't you say you've met worse things than Sakura's cat?"

"No."

"Oh come on, Sasuke, its name is _Grumpy_ for heaven's sake! It's a cute, girly name for some fluffy fur ball. It's not like _Orochimaru_, which even sounds evil to match the man who owned it!"

"This cat uses killer intent. I swear I can hear it thinking homicidal thoughts about me! Even its eyes glint with malicious glee!" Sasuke protested.

"It's a _cat_, Teme." Naruto pointed out for the thousandth time. "It's just grumpy, like its name."

"That thing _smirks_ at me, especially when it's interrupting… things." Sasuke finished lamely.

Naruto scrunched his face. "Things? Oooooh _things_! Ew, gross Teme! I don't wanna hear about you and Sakura's sex life!"

"Shut up, Dobe, like I'd tell you." Sasuke snapped, glancing around. "Could you be any louder?"

"Probably not." At the new male voice they all turned around to see Kiba with Akamaru at his side. He leaned against the counter of the Ichiraku, the large white dog leaning against his leg. He grinned suggestively. "Whatchya talkin' 'bout?"

Sasuke scowled. "It's not what you're thinking about, Dog-Breath."

Unruffled by Sasuke's usual behavior, Kiba shrugged. "Then what?"

"A cat." Naruto snickered. "Apparently Sasuke's got competition. Sakura's newest love is her cat, Grumpy."

Akamaru growled and Kiba grimaced. "Seriously? Ugh, _why_?"

They both looked to Sasuke to explain. "She found the stupid thing on a rainy night as she was walking home from the hospital," The Uchiha explained, "And she saw it huddling against a dumpster. So naturally, the bleeding heart that she is, she took it home. And now it won't leave."

Naruto snickered. "And Sasuke is jealous."

"That thing is a demon from hell!" Sasuke snapped.

Kiba and Akamaru nodded in agreement. "Cats are the root of all things evil in the world." Akamaru barked in agreement.

Sasuke sat up and suddenly turned to face the large nin-dog. "Akamaru, would you kill it for me?" If Sasuke wasn't an Uchiha he might have actually lit up at the prospect.

Akamaru wagged his tail happily and barked in agreement.

**"Meow."**

_Try it, dog, and I will put every one of your offspring through a meat grinder._

They all froze and slowly turned to see the proud form of Sakura's cat sitting on the roof of the building across from Ichiraku's, its tail whipping to and fro with a deadly grace. Cold, dead eyes somehow stared into each of their souls, freezing their hearts with fear.

Akamaru whimpered and stuck his tail between his legs, hiding behind Kiba. The cat then got up and leapt away with its tail held high, disappearing in the direction of Sakura's apartment.

…

…

…

"I understand now." Naruto whispered, still frozen in fear.

Akamaru whined.

"That… is not a cat…" Kiba whispered fearfully. "That's a demon in disguise."

Sasuke glowered at them. They should have agreed to help him kill that overgrown rat in the first place! Now they were too scared to go anywhere near the stupid feline.

**:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:**

**1 year later**

Grumpy still hated that Ape. It had tried its hardest to get Grumpy's Human to leave the dirty, smelly creature, but it was all for naught! Grumpy's Human continued day after day to see the Ape, and eventually, much to Grumpy's eternal horror, its human packed everything in the apartment and took Grumpy to a new residence.

It was the Ape's home.

Grumpy's human now lived everyday next to the Ape, in a house that smelled of fire and ash, and Grumpy woke up every morning cursing the existence of everything because that Ape was there.

The bastard didn't even let Grumpy sleep in the bed next to Grumpy's Human anymore. Grumpy wasn't even allowed in the bedroom!

No, Grumpy had its own room now. The laundry room. And while Grumpy would never admit that the noise of the washing and drying machines were excellent for lulling it to sleep, it was still angry about being locked downstairs every night. Dammit, the Ape was not supposed to be the Alpha!

But then it got worse.

Much, much worse.

Grumpy's Human began to grow. Grumpy could sense the increase of life flowing through her. And when Grumpy's Human came home one day, weak and tired but beaming like the sun, she carried in her arms a mini-human.

Grumpy could not have been grumpier.

_Foul, disrespectful little runt._

The mini-human was _annoying_. It was loud, it cried, it stunk, it grabbed at Grumpy's fur and tail and ears…

And then one day the strange creature laughed.

The noise bubbled up from deep inside its tiny body, and its arms flailed, and a large, and a nearly toothless grin stretched across its face, and its raven colored fur fell haphazardly across its face, and its green eyes twinkled brightly just like Grumpy's Human's green eyes would twinkle…

"Oh Grumpy~!" Grumpy's Human squealed when she entered the baby's room. The baby was laughing and cuddling with a fat Grumpy. "Sasuke-kun, look! I told you Grumpy was a sweetheart on the inside!"

The Ape came running in, eyes barely hiding his worry. "Sakura, I told you I don't want that creature near the child!"

Grumpy and the Ape locked eyes.

_Hm. Maybe I won't kill your first born. I make no promises about the second._

**:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:**

Sakura suddenly gasped and grabbed Sasuke's arm, making him wince –_Good, be in pain foul creature –_as she lunged forwards. "Grumpy!"

"What? What did I miss?" Sasuke frowned, following her approach.

"Let me see you belly, sweetie." Sakura whispered excitedly to Grumpy.

Dutifully, Grumpy allowed it's human to roll it over, exposing Grumpy's swollen torso and growing nipples.

"She's pregnant!" Sakura squealed again, carefully pulling Grumpy into her arms and gently hugging the cat.

Sasuke felt his blood run cold. "Wh-What?!"

Sakura laughed. "Honestly, Sasuke, all these years we have lived with Grumpy and you never knew she was a girl?"

"Y-You mean," Sasuke croaked, his throat suddenly dry. "It's capable of reproducing?"

Dear god there was going to be _more_? Please no! That cat could suck the happiness out of an entire village! Imagine a whole army of them… He should have had Akamaru kill the creature when he had the chance!

"Little Grumpies!" Sakura gasped happily, kissing her cat on its head. "You'll be a mother too!"

"Oh god there's going to be more." Sasuke mourned, rubbing his forehead at the feel of an oncoming headache.

"One for each of our kids!"

"Each of our –" Sasuke broke off, his eyes glancing at where their oldest son Itachi (named after his older brother, of course) slept peacefully in his crib. He glanced back at his wife incredulously. "Kids? As in the plural form?"

Sakura smiled sheepishly in response. He suddenly strode over, Grumpy jumping out of her arms as he pulled her into him, kissing her fiercely.

"I love you." He breathed as he pulled back from their kiss.

"Is that a 'yes' to the multiple kids idea?" Sakura teased.

He kissed her again. "Yes." He kissed her again. "Yes." He kissed her again and again, murmuring 'yes' between each tender caress.

They got started on the second child that night.

* * *

**Yes this story takes place over the span of a few years, from Sakura and Sasuke dating to their marriage and kids.**

**Review please!**

**HAPPY HOLIDAYS MERRY CHRISTMAS I LOVE YOU ALL**

**Lots O' Love,**

**~Lilithia**


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